When I usually say I need something, it has a tendency to be a bit overexaggerated. “I need a coke.” “I need those new shoes.” “I need to go on a vacation.” My “wants” are pretty much interchangeable with my “needs” list.
But tonight I’ve had a different experience. To make a long story short(er), God called me away to have some time alone with Him. It’s been pretty clear to me for awhile that there were some things He wanted to deal with in my life, but it’s always interesting to me how these type of conversations start. “God I don’t know how to deal with this.” And it is definitely worth mentioning that this is a typical Tiffany/God conversation.
It’s the confession of “I can’t”. Usually followed by –> “and it took me falling on my face TRYING to convince myself that “I can” to figure that out.
No matter how hard I try, I can’t make them happy. I can’t deal with these people. I can’t be fulfilled by this guy. I can’t stop trying to find my identity in people’s opinion of me. I can’t be perfect. I can’t be that beautiful. It’s just not in me, Jesus. I just can’t. No matter how much effort I put into it. I’m done with trying to make it work.
So yeah. I’ve figured out that’s always a good place to start. You sit there knowing that if you continue to try and mop up your own mess by yourself, that the muck and the mire of your sin will just keep getting worse.
I felt like this tonight. I chucked my phone across the room, and shut the door to my prayer closet as though trying to ward off the rest of the world. And this is how almost the entire conversation went, “I can’t Lord. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep trying to find satisfaction in places where You aren’t.”
Annnnnnnnd that’s about all I said.
Because at that moment, I was so overcome with conviction that I felt I couldn’t even lift my head. It was one of those hushed moments when everything is so quiet, you feel goosebumps rise up on your arms.
Because you know you aren’t alone.
Okay, so here is one of those moments where-as a blogger-you ask yourself, “Do I really write that? I mean… people will definitely think I’m weird.” And to that I must say: Nope-don’t care! Go ahead and think I’m weird. I’m sure there will be stranger things I share in the future, so I might as well start somewhere.
At this point, with my head in my hands, tears trying to make their way out of my closed eyes… I imagined myself in an empty room. But I knew my Jesus was there. I wasn’t sure if whether I should kneel, fall on my face, or simply continue to stand. How sweet a moment it was when I “saw” a hand outstretched, inviting me to sit down on the floor next to Him. As my heart cried out “Lord, I don’t know what to do,” it was as though I saw Him reach His arm around my shoulders and pull me closer to His side. I waited for Him to say something, but He remained quiet.
The silence was almost deafening — even as I sat there in the reality of my prayer closet. Because I knew this wasn’t something I was just imagining, but a way for the Holy Spirit to speak to me.
After several agonizing minutes I heard His voice say softly, but firmly, “Tiffany, you need to let this go. It isn’t yours.”
At that moment, as His words hung in the air, all I knew was this overwhelming sense that I had to write it down, or else I would lose it… like the moment would pass me by or something. So in the journal it went. As I sat there staring at my words quickly etched onto the page, one word stood out to me: NEED.
Now, this is just a guess, but I’m thinking that when I say “need” and God says “need”, there may be a slight difference. Because when God says something, pretty sure He means it.
Which then led me to the dictionary. (Of course, duh.)
Definition of NEED
1: physiological or psychological requirement for well-being
2: a condition requiring supply or relief
3: lack of the means of subsistence : poverty
Poverty. Aching and in need.
A pretty honest description of many of our souls.
In my case tonight, He could see what I could not. The very thing I was clinging to was the very thing that has been cutting off my oxygen supply. He doesn’t ask us to let things go because He wants to cause us pain. He asks us to relinquish them because He knows that as long as we continue to insist it’s “ours”, it will very well be the death of our spiritual life. Or more.
But Lord… the cry of my heart is that it’s such a sweet thing to know it. Because this is where I’ve ended up at the end of tonight. When you let go of your own wants and needs and finally come to the conclusion that “you just can’t”?
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10